


Soulmate AUgust

by mattiebluebird (ScarlettBond)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst fluff and rock and roll, M/M, Mostly angst ngl, Soulmate AUgust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-30 17:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20101129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarlettBond/pseuds/mattiebluebird
Summary: For the Soulmate AUgust challenge. Sanders Sides ships.~Day three- First WordsVirgil always thought the first time he met his soulmate would be like in the movies -they'd bump into each other, sending papers flying, and his soulmate, being the kind person they were, would ask if he was okay.He could not have been further from the truth.~Day four- NamesHe'd been looking forward to this day for his entire life.Now it was here, scrawled in elegant cursive indigo over his right cheekbone -Logan Michael Graydon- and simple, large handwriting in sky blue over his heart -Patton James Charleton- and small, cramped violet ink -Varian "Virgil" Credence Lockhart- across the back of his left hand, and all he wanted was for it to have never happened.





	1. Day three- First Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Virgil always thought the first time he met his soulmate would be like in the movies -they'd bump into each other, sending papers flying, and his soulmate, being the kind person they were, would ask if he was okay. He could not have been further from the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Pre-romantic Prinxiety
> 
> Warnings: Panic attacks, vomiting, crying, dissociation, flashbacks. All pretty explicit, so if any of those trigger you I'd just skip this chapter.

**_'Are you okay'_**  
  
Virgil always thought the first time he met his soulmate would be like in the movies, based on the words printed in a simple font across his wrist without punctuation (soul-tats never had punctuation of any sort).  
  
_**'Are you okay'**_  
  
They'd bump into each other, sending papers flying, and his soulmate, being the kind person they were, would ask if he was okay.  
  
**_'Are you okay'_**  
  
They lean down hurriedly in their haste, gently grabbing Virgil's forearm to steady him. Virgil would look up, ready to deliver a scathing retort -and the words would die in his throat. He'd choke and get lost in the beauty of his soulmate's eyes.  
  
**_ 'Are you okay'_**  
  
Well, Virgil's daydreams always got a little fuzzy after that. Would his soulmate be a man or a woman or something else entirely? Would they be short, tall, or average height? Black, white, Asian, or something else? Perhaps they'd be plus sized and as insecure as Virgil, or maybe they'd be confident and proud of it?  
  
Regardless, Virgil would finally come to his senses and choke out his carefully chosen phrase, the very first thing he wanted his soulmate to hear, what was (hopefully) printed somewhere on their body. _'Hope can be found in the darkest of times if only we remember to turn on the light'_  
  
**_ 'Are you okay'_**  
  
He could not have been further from the truth.  
  
"Are you okay?"  
  
Virgil didn't even hear the words spoken by his soulmate, the one who would be his companion for life either platonically, romantically, or somewhere in between.  
  
The words were drowned out by his own inner thoughts, which was funny because Virgil didn't even feel like he was thinking, not in words, only in panic and emotion, an endless loop of _loud_**bright_s__TOP_** that blended together until it was just one constant noise.  
  
He had no idea what had set him off. Maybe the flashing lights and blaring music, too reminiscent of police sirens drawing closer? Or was it the press of bodies, of skin on skin and being pushed and shoved and pulled like a piece of driftwood in a stormy sea?  
  
Virgil wasn't sure; everything was so blurred. He just knows he blacked out for a moment, and then he was standing in front of the bathroom sink, hands braced on the counter, and he _knew_ he should feel panicked or _something_, but he just felt- calm. Floaty. Disconnected from the situation at hand.  
  
His thoughts (not thoughts, not the right word, more like _notions_, more like _sensations_ that crawled all over his body) were stuck in that loop and they couldn't get out, and all he could do was wait it for it to end.  
  
_**Loud**bright**STOPPLEASE**_**flashing**_**lights**_**whathappened**_**LOUDtouchpressSHOVE**painBRIGHT**NO**_-  
  
"-re you okay?"  
  
This time Virgil heard the words, accompanied by the jiggling of a doorknob and the creaky sound of hinges, and his head snapped up. He got a glimpse of himself in the mirror-  
  
(_Don't let anyone see you like this you **can't** let anyone see you like this_)  
  
And what he saw was so jarring he nearly gasped.  
  
He'd been crying. A lot. Eyeshadow ran down his face in streams. And, judging by the taste in his mouth and the spittle on his hoodie, he'd been throwing up. Strange. He didn't remember any of that.  
  
(_Make him leave makehim**leave** he'll tell the others and they'll laugh and call you weak_)  
  
Virgil saw his mouth open. To this day he'll never know what he was about to say, because he then bent over the sink and proceeded to gag again.  
  
Now the floaty feeling left, and he **_felt_** all of it: The acidic taste coating his throat, the sting of tears in his eyes, and most of all, a bone-deep exhaustion.  
  
Virgil's knees buckled, unable to support his weight, and he fell. He must have blacked out for another moment, because then Roman Garcia was kneeling beside him.  
  
Virgil would've laughed, but he didn't quite have the energy. Of _course_ Roman Garcia would be the one to find him. They'd never spoken, but Virgil knew of him. He was, in fact, the host of this godforsaken party.  
  
Roman moved to touch him, and Virgil, despite his complete lack of energy, managed to flinch away (**_NONONON-_**).  
  
Roman let his hand drop. "What happened?" He asked in the quietest voice. Virgil could no longer look him in the eyes, instead staring at the floor.  
  
He opened his mouth to say something. Tried and tried to force out some kind of noise. Nothing came out. He let his mouth fall closed with an audible click.  
  
He couldn't talk right now. He _couldn't_. He felt more tears leak down his face.  
  
Outside, the party raged on. Blaring music. Muffled but steady. It hurt his head.  
  
Virgil folded his legs, bent his head, and firmly clamped his hands over his ears. He couldn't deal with this right now; in fact, he wished he could curl up in a ball and be left alone for eternity.  
  
_This is so shit. Can't believe I can't even enjoy a fucking party. This is so stu-_  
  
"Hey." Roman's voice came through to him, just as soft as before. He had a nice voice, all deep and rumbly. "I need you to breathe with me, okay? You're hyperventilating."  
  
Virgil realized his breaths were too quick and shallow. He raised his head enough to nod.  
  
"Inhale for four seconds ...One, two, three, four."  
  
"Hold for seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven."  
  
"Exhale for eight. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight."  
  
The cycle continued. Virgil tried to focus on the counting to drown out his thoughts.  
  
It worked. Sort of.  
  
Finally, he unfurled himself and looked up. Roman was sitting beside him, back against the door.  
  
Virgil wiped his face with the sleeves of his hoodie as he stood. Pointedly avoiding looking in the mirror, he splashed his face with water and rubbed it vigorously with his sleeves. He would get eyeshadow all over them, but black doesn't show up on black, so it would be fine.  
  
He closed his eyes and braced himself to walk out the door.  
  
"Hey," Roman's voice startled him out of his concentration. "Do you want me to, uh, drive you home or something?"  
  
Virgil blinked up at him. He didn't have a car of his own, so Patton had driven him here. He could text him to ask if he could drive Virgil home. Patton would do it -he'd never force Virgil to stay at a party he hated, especially if he knew he'd had a panic attack.  
  
Virgil shook his head.  
  
"Well, uh, do you have a ride home or something?" Roman asked.  
  
Virgil nodded. Then he cleared his throat. "Thank you," he tried to say, but it was raspy and less than a whisper.  
  
"Thank you," he said again, louder.  
  
Roman froze, an odd look coming over his face. "You're welcome," he said. "Do you want me to stay or ..?"  
  
Virgil found himself nodding. He didn't want to be alone right now.  
  
As he brought out his phone, Virgil glanced at the soul-tat on Roman's arm.  
  
**_'Thank you'_**


	2. Day Four- Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He'd been looking forward to this day for his entire life.
> 
> Now it was here, scrawled in elegant cursive indigo over his right cheekbone -_Logan Michael Graydon_\- and simple, large handwriting in sky blue over his heart -_Patton James Charleton_\- and small, cramped violet ink -_Varian "Virgil" Credence Lockhart_\- across the back of his left hand, and all he wanted was for it to have never happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pairing: Pre-romantic, romantic, and queerplatonic LAMP.
> 
> Heavily inspired by Burned Out by Dodie Clark. I *highly* recommend you listen to that before reading this.
> 
> Warnings: Some mild aphobia and transphobia, both internalized and externalized, assault, sympathetic Deceit.

** _He was certain_ **

  


Roman was certain of who his soulmate would be.

  


** _So was I_ **

  


Logan was certain he wouldn't have one. He'd known he was aromantic asexual since he was fourteen (and even before then).

  


** _There was comfort_ **

** _In her sighs_ **

  


Roman had a girlfriend, Dory, who he loved and who loved him. When he was with her he didn't have to think about the possibility of his soulmate<strike>(s)</strike> being <strike>male</strike> someone his family wouldn't approve of.

  


** _Dreams and ideas should n o t be the same thing_ **

  


He saw his perfect soulmate every day, dreamt of their life together, but Dory was not his soulmate, and he was not hers.

  


He'd been looking forward to this day for his entire life.

  


** _You waited, smiling, for-_ **

  


Now it was here, scrawled in elegant cursive indigo over his right cheekbone -_Logan Michael Graydon_\- and simple, large handwriting in sky blue over his heart -_Patton James Charleton_\- and small, cramped violet ink -_Varian "Virgil" Credence Lockhart_\- across the back of his left hand, and all he wanted was for it to have never happened.

  


** _-t h i s?_ **

  


Varian felt numb. <strike>His</strike> Her father would kill her if he knew <strike>he</strike> she had more than one soulmate.

  


** _Oh, she'd want it_ **

** _If she knew_ **

** _She could take it_ **

  


<strike>He</strike> She was a freak. It was bad enough (he) she was trans(_? Fake, you're just faking it for attention, it's just a phase same as that emo get-up you wear-_), but this ...s(he)'d already known (his)her soulmate wouldn't want her(him), not when everything about her <strike>HIM</strike> was fake. Even her/his name, the name s-he'd given her-him-self among friends and on the internet, was fake._Virgil_ didn't exist. Virgil was a pipedream.

And with three soulmates it'd just be three times the rejection -four, if you counted <strike>his</strike> her father.

But <strike>he</strike> she didn't want this. He(?) didn't ask for this.

She just wanted to be happy, with <strike>her</strike> his soulmate(s?), and her- _his_ father was not going to stop that.

  


** _I thought too_ **

  


Patton smiled as he called his family -it went to voicemail- to tell them that he had not one, not two, but _three_ soulmates! He rambled for a moment about their names and the color of the soul-tats before hanging up with an 'I love you'.

His mother called back later that day to tell him she was happy for him and that she hoped they were nice.

Patton noticed that she carefully skirted around the topic of having multiple soulmates, and of all them having seemingly male names, the same way she'd more or less skirted around the issue of her son being gay for the last six years.

  


** _Be careful-_ **

  


Roman looked at the National Soulmate Finding Organization's website. NSFO had millions of names on their registry from all over the world -all you had to do was type in the name of your soulmate(s, in this case) and you could contact them via online chatroom. 

Granted, the system wasn't flawless -pranks and fakes were common, but it was easier than trying to find your soulmate on your own.

Roman sent them each a picture of his soul-tats for proof, and asked the usual questions (_'W__hat country do you live in? What state? Can I have your phone number? Where can we meet?'_)

  


** _-be cautious-_ **

  


Varian -Virgil checked the registry, found he had messages from three people claiming to be his soulmates (the names they gave matched the ones on his arm).

The four of them exchanged phone numbers, discovering they all lived in the state of Florida. They set up a meeting place.

Virgil's father kept calling, probably to ask what his soulmate's name was (even that bastard of a father knew when his child's twentieth birthday was, when he'd either get a soulmate or be labeled a Soulless for the rest of his life).

Virgil didn't answer. He wasn't sure if he was ready to deal with that conversation right now.

  


** _-but you just wished harder_ **

  


Logan didn't _understand_. He _didn't_ understand, and it was a very uncomfortable feeling.

He was aro/ace. He _knew_ that. Romance and sex repulsed him. He'd never been attracted to anyone, ever.

But the names written on his skin begged to differ.

  


** _You waited, smiling ..._ **

  


It frustrated him to the point of tears. His parents, of course, were ecstatic and didn't know why he seemed so upset.

Their confused expressions was all it took for him to break down and whisper, "I don't want a soulmate."

No response.

  


** _...for this?_ **

  


Logan checked the NSFO database and found he already had messages from two of his three soulmates, Roman Garcia and Patton Charleton. The third -Varian "Virgil" Credence Lockhart- had not responded.

Logan told them he lived in Florida, and during the conversation Varian joined.

They set up the meeting place: A diner in a town a little over an hour away from Logan's apartment.

  


** _"But they love you"_ **

  


The next day, Logan sat in the back of the diner, foot tapping impatiently. They were all supposed to be here by two PM, and it was 2:06, so where _were_ they?

The door opened. Logan, who had been glaring at it for the last six and a half minutes, tried not to hold his breath.

The person looked in his direction, and he saw indigo across their cheekbone in what looked to be his handwriting.

But no. It was a woman -short black hair that obscured her eyes, black eyeshadow, a black-and-gray hoodie, black converse.

The woman glanced in his direction- then started walking toward him.

Logan blinked when saw the indigo ink was, in fact, his name. "I'm Logan Graydon," he said as she sat down. "And you are?"

The woman looked at him, sweeping hair out of her storm gray eyes. "My name's Varian -er, Virgil Lockhart. He/him pronouns."

Logan blinked, unconsciously rubbing against the name written in dark purple across the back of his right hand. "Oh. Sorry, I just assumed-"

Virgil raised a hand to cut him off. "It's fine."

The diner door opened with a loud ding. They both turned to watch as another man walked in. He had the same shade of indigo across his cheekbone.

The man in question was tall, as tall as Logan at the very least (who hovered around the six foot mark). He had wavy dark blond hair, dark skin, and was dressed in simple jeans, a white t-shirt, and a red leather jacket.

The man glanced in their direction, frowned, then after a moment began walking toward them.

"Are you-"

"Logan Michael Graydon, yes."

The man looked at Virgil in confusion. "And you are ...?"

"Virgil Lockhart, he/him pronouns. I probably show up on your soul-tat as Varian."

The man glanced down at his left hand as if to confirm this. Then, carefully, he sat down next to Logan.

"I'm Roman Garcia," he said. Virgil's hand started to reach for his collarbone where Logan knew the soul-tat lay, then paused and fell limp against the table.

"So, when's the other guy getting here?" Roman asked, fingers drumming on the table.

"If I had to guess, I'd say right about ...now," Virgil said just as there was another ding.

The next man, Patton Charleton, looked about the way they'd all pictured him: Cheery.

He saw them, and soon they all sat together in the booth.

"So-" Roman started, but was interrupted by the waitress. They all ordered their drinks, and glanced at the menu to get whatever looked appetizing.

"So," Virgil said, taking a sip of his drink. "You're my ...soulmates."

"Yes, that would be correct," Logan stated, pushing up his glasses. "I have to say, this is just as shocking to me as it is to you. Especially considering that I'm aromantic asexual."

"Well," he amended. "I thought I was. Clearly, if I have a soulmate -or soulmates, in this case- that can't be true."

Silence.

"Aro ...mantic?" Roman asked.

Logan looked at him. "Aromantic means I don't experience romantic attraction. Asexual means I don't experience sexual attraction."

Roman seemed taken aback by the notion. "Like, at_ all_?" He asked incredulously.

"At all."

Roman sat back, seeming to consider this.

Virgil cleared his throat. "As you've probably figured out by now, I'm trans, pre-transition. So ...yeah, there's that. And, uh, I've always been attracted to men more or less exclusively, so I guess that makes me gay? I'm still figuring things out, sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry, for, kiddo. I'm gay, too."

Virgil did not look reassured. In fact, he looked the opposite of reassured. He fidgeted uncomfortably. "So, uh, is this," he said, gesturing to himself. "Going to be a problem?"

"What? No!" Patton said, looking horrified at the very idea. "I just, uh-" He cut himself off, looking embarrassed.

"I mean, before today I thought I was straight, so I guess we're all learning new things about ourselves," Roman said in a bit of a rush, smiling weakly.

"Okay, how is this even possible?!" Virgil demanded, putting his head in his hands. "Why on Earth would an aroace, a straight guy, and a -a trans and a gay guy be put together?"

"The soulmate system never made much sense," Logan sympathized.

Then an idea struck him with the force of a lightning bolt. "Are any of you familiar with the concept of queerplatonic relationships?"

"A _what_?" Roman asked.

"I've ...heard of them," Patton said uncertainly, scratching the back of his neck.

"Nope," Virgil said simply, fingers tapping the table.

"Basically, a queerplatonic relationship is somewhere between romantic and platonic, almost like a committed, long-term friendship of sorts, though it can have stereotypically romantic elements," Logan explained. "We could ...start there, I suppose, and see what happens?"

Virgil clicked his tongue. "A committed friendship, huh? I like the sound of that."

"That doesn't sound too bad," Patton agreed.

"Aren't soulmates _supposed_ to be romantic?" Roman huffed. "'A partner for life'?"

"Queerplatonic partners can _be_ partners for life," Logan pointed out.

"But it's not the _same_!" Roman argued.

"No. It's not. That's sort of the point. Queerplatonic relationships may not be the same as platonic or romantic ones, but they're worth just as much, if not more."

Roman snapped his mouth shut. 

  


** _Over and over_ **

  


Never in Roman's life had he felt so unsure.

He thought he knew who his soulmate was? No he didn't.

He thought he was straight? Now he wasn't so sure.

He thought he was monoamorous? Questionable.

He thought he was ...he didn't even know, just taking it slow for Dory? Not moving too fast? Wanting their first time to be special?

Even that didn't seem true anymore.

_Asexual_, Logan had called it. _Asexual_. The word wouldn't go away no matter how much Roman wanted it to, kept flapping at the back of his mind like a panicked bird.

Asexual. Had he ever felt that way about someone? With Dory, at least, he'd known it was going to happen eventually, but the thought had always seemed distant and vague and not all that exciting, to be honest. Other than her, he'd never so much as considered having sex.

Now that he was re-examining his entire life, he could find plenty of not-so-straight instances. That strange fascination he'd had with that one guy in middle school ..? Writing, daydreaming about writing, and screenwriting bisexual characters nearly excessively in his spare time ..?

"Oh, fuck," he muttered, banging his head into the wheel of his car. "Fuck, fuck, _fuck_."

And then he burst into tears.

  


** _"They love you"_ **

  


Virgil stared at himself in the mirror of his sun visor.

_Woman_. Everything about him spelled woman, even with the short hair, the binder, the baggy, shapeless clothes. Even with the he/him pronouns, everything felt wrong and disproportionate and viscerally uncomfortable and he hated it.

Queerplatonic was a start, he guessed, but what about when they wanted a deeper, more intimate relationship? Would Patton want that from him if he still looked like a her? And if Logan was aroace, how could he be anyone's soulmate? If Roman was straight, was that some sort of sign that Virgil should stay Varian?

And fuck, Virgil himself was just barely getting his life together. He'd just accepted he was trans and was attempting to move on to figuring out his sexuality (which, at the moment, was "gay" with a bunch of question marks at the end).

How was he now expected to maintain a four-way relationship -romantic, platonic, queerplatonic, or otherwise?

And there was still the issue of his father. Namely, the issue of telling him that a) Virgil was a man, b) he had three soulmates, and c) if he didn't like it, he could go fuck himself.

"Oh, God," Virgil groaned, accidentally setting off the car horn when he banged his head into the wheel.

  


** _Thousands and thousands of eyes_ **

** _Just like mine_ **

** _Aching to find who they are_ **

  


Roman may have or may have not spent the next few days frantically googling the word asexual and all subsequent identities.

Okay, so he did.

He was surprised to find so many people like him were out there, questioning or having already questioned. He was also surprised to find so many sexualities on the spectrum.

_How did I not know this was a thing?_ He thought._ It would've made my life so much easier._

Asexual. So, he was (or very strongly suspected he was) asexual, somewhere along the lines of being sex-neutral.

Fuck (ironic, considering the context).

How was he supposed to tell the others? He'd reacted so negatively when Logan brought up the concept before. How could he casually bring up that he was asexual and also maybe biromantic?

And what if he wasn't? What if he was just confused or something? He couldn't claim to be something and then just say he wasn't later on!

Maybe he should just ...wait it out. See how it goes.

  


** _"Oh, they love you!"_ **

  


The second time they all met was three weeks later at a park. Patton brought his dog, Trixie, and Roman and Virgil fawned over her the whole time (Virgil less obviously so).

They talked, getting to know each other. Virgil wanted to be a therapist. Patton, a social worker. Roman, a Broadway actor. Logan, an astronomer.

About thirty minutes into their visit, Roman sort of coughed and confessed he was a biromantic asexual. Virgil smirked knowingly, Patton smiled, Logan blinked but didn't question it.

  


** _"Oh, you can feel how they love you!"_ **

** _Coated and warm but that's all they can do_ **

** _Words only get through if they're sharp_ **

  


Roman, Virgil, and Patton ended up falling in love over the course of the next three months. Logan _loved_ them, but he wasn't _in_ love with them (not romantically, at least) and they accepted that.

Things weren't perfect, not in the least. There was jealousy and poor communication and fighting and a lot of misplaced anger. Sometimes Virgil's insecurity got the best of him, and he'd slip into depression. Roman's family was cold to them at best, hostile at worst.

  


** _Oh, how fitting for one so fake_ **

** _Make me a fairy, whatever it takes_ **

  


A month after that, Virgil finally got on testosterone. He sort of wished his father had been there to see it, if only out of spite. That's when everyone's soul-tats morphed into: _Virgil "Varian" Credence Lockhart_.

  


A week or two later it became: _Virgil Credence Lockhart._

  


** _And just like her tale, my dream was a scam_ **

** _You waited, smiling, for t h i s?_ **

  


Roman saw Dory once again after that.

It was at a college party. They bumped into each other.

"Oh!" Roman said awkwardly. "Dory! How you been, girl?" Her hair was cut short now, he noticed, and she wasn't wearing a skirt or heels like she used to.

"Actually," she said just as awkwardly, "It's Dee now. And, uh, not a girl."

She -_they_ gestured to the they/them pin on their shirt.

"Who's this?" Someone asked, appearing beside Dee. Roman saw the soul-tat on their throat, written in dark gold curvy handwriting Roman knew well: _Damien "Dee" Harper_.

The person in question also had short hair, and wore a gray-green sweater vest with a pink bowtie and khakis. Roman noticed the they/them pin on their vest.

"This is Roman," Dee said. "Roman, this is Emile. One of my soulmates."

"One?" Roman asked. "What a coincidence!" He lifted his hand to show off the soul-tat. "There's another over my heart."

Dee read the two names -one on his cheek, one on his hand- and smiled. "Good for you, dude."

"Dee, Remy's about to get in another fight," Emile said, tugging on their hand. "Come on."

Dee sighed. "Bye, Roman!" They called over their shoulder, disappearing into the crowd.

Roman never saw them again.

  


** _I am burnt out_ **

** _I smell of smoke_ **

** _It seeps through her cracks and so I start to choke_ **

  


Five and a half months after they first met and a month and a half after Virgil started on testosterone, he was assaulted on campus.

The other three, who still lived a few hours away from each other, found out the next day. They rushed to the hospital and demanded to see him.

Virgil said he knew who did it, but refused to press charges. He knew he wouldn't win in court. Logan ended up convincing him in the end.

  


** _Sentences sit in her mouth that are templated_ **

** _You waited, smiling, for ..._ **

  


The most they could get was a two thousand dollar fine. Roman was outraged, but it was more than Virgil expected.

  


** _...this?_ **

  


Six and a half months after they first met, they had their first Christmas together. Patton cooked, Roman made them sing carols, Logan took them to the planetarium, and Virgil decorated the house and made them all cards.

A year and a half after they first met, they went to their first Pride Parade together. Virgil wore a pin in the colors of the polysexual flag, Roman wore his asexual flag around his shoulders with the bi flag painted on his cheek (the side with no soul-tat, obviously), Patton wore his rainbow flag like a cape, and Logan just wore his grayromantic and asexual pins.

And they lived happily ever after.

  


_Fin._

  



End file.
